Circling the Drain?

This world HURTS.

How could they? HOW COULD THEY be, how could even there be such slimy monsters? Even more disturbing, how could the other ones make those monsters & their values ACCEPTABLE??! Actually ADAPTING to them??!?

What madness, MAD universe. What's called as common sense has gradually changed, mostly for what I think, strongly feel & intuit, the worse. CURSE this adapting, chameleon-like society! And how DARE you all planting these PARASITES to my psyche??!?!!!

This is not just about individuals. What I sense & deeply detest is the COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS. And not just about the country I'm living in, but the whole planet. It's rotting away.

And I don't want to go down the hell with them, NO sir.

I'm gonna stay here, standing alone, trusting my inner compass only. Listening only to everything originated from within: the soul, the instincts, intuition, every emotions and even impulses. Anything except the outer world's hurtful-unspoken-slickly-penetrating doctrines!

**

I guess that's why it's so hard to simply be me. Layers and layers of protection, the ego's work, really, can't be blamed. There's already lots of pollution out there, can't let the innermost of me corrupted.

My cynic/pessimistic side muses, "Is this existence just god's sick joke?" But my Joker Card side, the somewhat more enlightened one, thinks of this from another side of the coin: a 'joke' that's meant to enjoy a.k.a GAME.. which means, those imperfections of this world are challenges.

No, no, NO. Don't interpret this 'challenge' word from the common western perspective which they've used to brainwash the rest of the world (SUCCESS : failure : money : fame : house : car : vacation : perfect family : marketing : selling : promotion : JOB : CAREER : and other dry materialistic toys)!

GAME, as in "Sherlock Holmes: Crimes & Punishments". Challenge, as in "Solving six cases of murders, disappearances and thefts. Depending on how player interprets the clues, they will have different conclusions. Therefore the player can fail or succeed in finding the culprit. He also decides whether he wants to absolve or condemn the criminal. The moral choice the player makes will influence the further gameplay."
Challenges are cool missions, filled with adventures & excitements. With deep sense of FREEDOM as its 'basic operating system'.
Now how about GAME, as in "My Life". Challenge, as in "being me, being true to my values despite the world going loony"?

Hhhh..

Surely I want something with much more sunshine than just this game of "soul survival". Games are always meant to be ENJOYED after all, aren't they?

Back to my inner compass..

My Postcard Collection #1

animated photo: raincoffeeandwanderlust.tumblr.com

It's philosopher's moment. 

Rain is pouring, soup is ready, and the coffee is hot. 

Come, sit with me for a simple enjoyment of collection of written words from countries far-far away..

#1 Angel, MACAU

My very first postcard is holographic!

#2 Angela, DUTCH

#3 Charlenne, CHINA

#4 Babett, GERMANY

#5 Polina, RUSSIA

#6 Raquel, BELGIUM

Her handwriting is so illegible that I had to 'decode' it on my own. Pas de problème. I love puzzles. 
And yet only 90% solved, this is a tough one..

#7 Kirill, GERMANY

 

Want your own collection? Join postcrossing.com.

Locked in the Library #1 :: Poirot: "The Plymouth Express"

Ah.. feels like eons since my last time of watching mystery movies for the sake of enjoyment! No choking anxieties, no over seriousness, no excruciating philosophical riddles! It's a carefree Sunday so why don't I just buy some snacks & watch a Poirot episode (which some photos I've used lately for blog illustration)? Why not indeed.

Today I chose the last one in my collection I haven't watched: "The Plymouth Express".

Just realized I enjoy particularly Captain Hastings' act, ♪ "I'll say," the unique, so-British tone, hehe.. It's so satisfying watching a mystery serial with no burden whatsoever..

photo: blog.scullyandscully.com

La Moustache Excentrique! #2

"I'm interested in (a little) darker sides of life."

So I said or expressed in many occasions. It came to me by surprise when I realized that it's true, as I've always intended so. But my neurons never stops to amaze me. There are times when a bubble of slight but significantly higher awareness pop up to my consciousness. Alongside an insight, the realization that I actually knew nothing..! That taken-aback expression of "I thought I already knew that, I'm supposed to know.." and yet, nothing. Now it happens again on something I should have decided long ago as obvious.

MYSTERY. It's in my blood, as natural as breathing. How could I forgot this?? The other most—if not the very, most—dominant part of me! I 'forgot' I'm not just about philosophy & divinity (even that is also a kind of mystery!). Too busy thinking that I have no place in this universe of shallow & pathetic dependency, one 'pitfall' in philosophy, I forgot I still have other niches that can entertain me while I'm here.. no, no, this is more complex than that I can't yet explain everything.

So poirot's mustache was right too after all?

Or is this a side effect of being an empath: to be able to absorb any role that I lose myself on the way?

Being an empath I'm very sensitive, but all the same I can't help being CURIOUS! But the vice versa also applies: I yearn for adventures, (a little) 'troubles', & excitements but I can't help being very sensitive. I can't stand people, mostly about their shallowness & how ugly they could be when it's all about low-rate-basic instincts. Not interesting at all, fairly predictable and disturbingly annoying. There I rambled again in philosophical point of view of a wounded philosopher.

So tired of these tug-o-wars. How could it be so hard to just being (ALL of) me?

-to be continued..-

La Moustache Excentrique!

My first intention creating this blog was to have a comfortable, vintage-cafe-like atmosphere for my personal writings, as reflected on the template's design. Just simple stuff like others' comfy blogs about everyday life. Imagine sitting in an artistic, home-like, french-like cafe.. ordering a sweet dessert and of course a cup of coffee as you continue writing your next book or sketching or just enjoying blogging about your cats & latest travels using free wifi. That comfy stuff. But over time I realize that it's quite impossible for me to write without deep, surreal, and sometimes pessimistic insights. (And so it shouldn't be just jazzy songs airing in this 'cafe', but also more of eccentric kind of music.) I found that if I get the (rather) darker tones of my life removed altogether from my posts, I would never write anything at all!

In case you're wondering: this notebook existed in my store Black Dice Art, now already sold.

It's not just about keeping positive vibe or good image, but much more about what the sensitive side of my personality afraid of: that I'll get trapped on negativity, playing over & over again in my head the same already-happened negative experiences as opposed to focusing on things I could be grateful for & better future possibilities. So scared—DAMN SCARED—of being imprisoned in this particular planck-length universe with those particular negative stuff (the positives almost don't count)!

But at first, I shamefully admit, that at some point I do want to keep an ideal image (although the primary audience was still myself). Just like other humans, I want to be some hero. I have role models to look up to. I wanted to be like them, have a great life like them and I wanted that also expressed outside not just felt inside. So unconsciously, I had been acting like them, filtering my writings to be more like that of their character, even intended to 'fabricate' some posts as some kind of my "vision board" (or in this case "vision blog") but this all feels like forced acting which caused only anxieties, as I began gaining a little higher awareness.

Now back about this comfy-vintage-cafe-themed blog, I was 'supposed' to fill it with just comfy stuff (with at most exciting: travel stuff) but as my personality gradually integrating, I can no longer separate other parts of me (that's expressed through my many other blogs). I'm now giving up being totally positive & 'innocent' in this blog (I keep emphasizing "this blog" because in reality I do the same with written, tangible diary set—compartmentalizing them!), giving up too intensely focusing on the comfy, giving up living up to my heroes' images (which give a stronger 'flavor' to the comfy stuff, like bitter-but-somewhat-socialites'-taste coffee maybe).

I accept that this "cafe" will never be like other cafes that mostly comfort their visitors.. but wait a second, as a sociopath I've always gone against the mass anyway so the better expression shall be: I accept that this "cafe" will never be like the other ones that mostly comfort.. their OWNER. I accept that I'll never be able to write my blog in fully comforting, happy-go-lucky, home/family/friends-oriented style like the others. I accept that the "moustache" theme in my vintage 'cafe' will never perfectly fit into what society usually expects; this is "la moustache excentrique"! ..because my experiences are unique, inner & outer; I AM unique (as in, obviously every individual is unique.. on the other hand, more about my bitterness about this later)—something I tragically highly doubt lately, thanks to the damn, cursed anxieties!

So once again, welcome to Marzipan Cafe.

No, not even his mustache. Poirot is socially adept not eccentric, but this photo feels strangely relevant I can't ignore..