My first intention creating this blog was to have a comfortable, vintage-cafe-like atmosphere for my personal writings, as reflected on the template's design. Just simple stuff like others' comfy blogs about everyday life. Imagine sitting in an artistic, home-like, french-like cafe.. ordering a sweet dessert and of course a cup of coffee as you continue writing your next book or sketching or just enjoying blogging about your cats & latest travels using free wifi. That comfy stuff. But over time I realize that it's quite impossible for me to write without deep, surreal, and sometimes pessimistic insights. (And so it shouldn't be just jazzy songs airing in this 'cafe', but also more of eccentric kind of music.) I found that if I get the (rather) darker tones of my life removed altogether from my posts, I would never write anything at all!
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| In case you're wondering: this notebook existed in my store Black Dice Art, now already sold. |
It's not just about keeping positive vibe or good image, but much more about what the sensitive side of my personality afraid of: that I'll get trapped on negativity, playing over & over again in my head the same already-happened negative experiences as opposed to focusing on things I could be grateful for & better future possibilities. So scared
—DAMN SCARED
—of being imprisoned in this particular planck-length universe with those particular negative stuff (the positives almost don't count)!
But at first, I shamefully admit, that at some point I do want to keep an ideal image (although the primary audience was still myself). Just like other humans, I want to be some hero. I have role models to look up to. I wanted to be like them, have a great life like them and I wanted that also expressed outside not just felt inside. So unconsciously, I had been acting like them, filtering my writings to be more like that of their character, even intended to 'fabricate' some posts as some kind of my "vision board" (or in this case "vision blog") but this all feels like
forced acting which caused only anxieties, as I began gaining a little higher awareness.
Now back about this comfy-vintage-cafe-themed blog, I was 'supposed' to fill it with just comfy stuff (with at most exciting: travel stuff) but as my personality gradually integrating, I can no longer separate other parts of me (that's expressed through my
many other blogs). I'm now giving up being totally positive & 'innocent' in this blog (I keep emphasizing "this blog" because in reality I do the same with written, tangible diary set
—compartmentalizing them!), giving up too intensely focusing on the comfy, giving up living up to my heroes' images (which give a stronger 'flavor' to the comfy stuff
, like bitter-but-somewhat-socialites'-taste coffee maybe).
I accept that this "cafe" will never be like other cafes that mostly comfort their visitors.. but wait a second, as a sociopath I've always gone against the mass anyway so the better expression shall be: I accept that this "cafe" will never be like the other ones that mostly comfort.. their OWNER. I accept that I'll never be able to write my blog in fully comforting, happy-go-lucky, home/family/friends-oriented style like the others. I accept that the "moustache" theme in my vintage 'cafe' will never perfectly fit into what society usually expects; this is
"la moustache excentrique"! ..because my experiences are unique, inner & outer; I
AM unique (as in, obviously every individual is unique.. on the other hand, more about my bitterness about this later)—something I tragically highly doubt lately, thanks to the damn, cursed anxieties!
So once again, welcome to Marzipan Cafe.
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| No, not even his mustache. Poirot is socially adept not eccentric, but this photo feels strangely relevant I can't ignore.. |
